Friday, March 27, 2009

A Little Complaining

I know I shouldn't,
but........sometimes I just have to get it out.

I hate that I have a scar on my neck. It's big, red and still hurts a bit. It's very noticeable and hard to hide. Everyone is very positive about it. They say, "it looks great, hardly can see it, WOW it's not as bad as I thought!" And so on...........

But I can see it.
I can feel it and I don't like it.
Not one bit!

I know I should be grateful. I could have had a worse case of cancer. I could have no hair right now. I know this and I am grateful. But it's still hard and not fun.

Last night my neck hurt, not like a stiff neck but the front of my neck felt swollen and sore and it was hard to talk and felt uncomfortable. My scar was sore and I was so very, very tired. I'm always tired. I'm also so dry. My skin, my lips, my mouth, my throat. I feel like every ounce of moisture has been sucked from my body and I can't replace it. Tom asked me yesterday if I was back to "normal", I laughed at him. He asked what percentage was I of being "normal" I thought for a minute and said, "50%". He was shocked! "What? Are you kidding me?" Yes I know, I'm a good faker. My arthritis is flaring up, my neck hurts, I'm gaining weight even though I'm watching what I eat and I'm oh so tired.

Again, I don't like this.

Why do I have to be the one with trial after trial. We come to this earth to gain a body and learn. What am I not learning?

I guess I better step up my game and figure it out. I don't want another trial anytime soon. I'm already having a hard time getting through this one!


Anonymous said...

Maybe it's not you that is learning but the rest of us. You are such an example to me. You are a strong woman. I'm so impressed by your positive attitude in life and energy. I love reading your blog and "learning" from you. Honestly I think of you sometimes in my trials.......if she can do it.....I can....and so I keep moving on. Onward ho. It is a pleasure to know you Cara. Thanks for being so honest.....we are all struggling with something....but some of us are just scared to admit it. ~Laura Maroney

Nikki said...

I came to comment and realized Laura said it all... Exactly what I was thinking. I am so glad you blog about it all- everything- good, bad, ugly! Now I "know" you, you are an example to me and have changed me.
I also wanted to say, Good for you!! You seem to be so positive and not a complainer at all, so I am so glad you didn't keep it in when you just couldn't take it anymore. I'm sorry that it got to that point for you too though. Sending a hug all the way from New York! :)

Crazymamaof6 said...

OH GIRLY! i know! I KNOW! it's not fun. it's horrible. and don't you love that those closest to you don't have a clue how you really are feeling?
it's hard to keep up the charade all the time. that you really do have crappy days. I'M SORRY! it sucks! i totally hoped it would be better for you. easier just because you have suffered enough with your other trials.

the scar tightness will go away, massage it. with lotion, if it's getting really red, or noticeable, ask your Dr. for a steroid cream, it helps.

are they still adjusting your dose? of synthroid? it takes awhile to get it right.

there is a support group meeting this tuesday. wanna go?

anytime lady, you need to vent. i am here for you. call me.

Megan said...

oh cara,
you complain anytime you want, it is your blog for heavens sake.

I am so sorry you are only feeling 50%, that sucks! I can't imagine not knowing when you will feel yourself again. I am sure that leaves you with little hope.

I know nothing of this condition and so can offer no friendly advice except to pray for your return to normalcy!


Anny said...

You really are a positive and very grateful person. You have been for as long as I have known you. It's ok to be frustrated and bummed, especially at 50%! Know that you are loved and missed and have been such a support to me and so many others, thank you! Lots of Love!

Crystal Star said...

I think you've had more than your shares of trials before this one. So I'll just say I'm sorry friend that you have to go through anything. You are a wonderful, inspiring, loyal, fun fun friend and I love you in my life.

Kass said...

Thanks for sharing. I know for me I almost immediately feel better just writing those true feelings down. IT's like "there-that's how I'm really doing & now I've let some of it off my shoulders!" You're so inspiring to us awestruck friends who watch you overcome w/ flying colors each trial in your life. You are truly a great example & sooo loved! Love you, Kass

Cyndi said...

Jennifer Goodman in our ward had the same thing and the same surgery, treatments, etc. You CANNOT see her scar now, it's been a little while. It does get better but I can't imagine how tough it is...and life goes on so you deal with it all at once, nothing stops because you're sick. Hang in there and hopefully the good days will start to outnumber the bad days very fast. We miss you guys, I had a blast playing racquetball with Tom a while ago. He's good!